BCI NET 2/BCI NET 2.iso/archives/textfiles/jokes3.lha/jokes_3/Interesting_Stuff_3

Text File | 2002-08-23 | 64.9 KB | 1,480 lines

                                 From the
                            JOKIN' AROUND DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.



If some folks didn't do some things by mistake occasionally, they would never
get anything right.

How do restaurants which feature home cooking get it to you while it is still
hot?

One of the greater accomplishments of modern medicine is that with treatment,
you can regain enough strengh to survive being told how much your treatment
costs.

It is not too difficult to raise nice children, the real difficulty is keeping
them away from other children whose parents don't seem to care.

Just trying to figure out which pain reliever is best is more than enough to
give all of us a headache.  Watching some of the claims on television gives us
pains that no pill can remove.

There was a time, not too long ago, when a person ordered $75 in groceries,
and ordered the truck to deliver these to the restaurant that person owned!

If this is supposed to be a kinder and gentler nation, how come my tax refund
isn't any bigger than last year.  By the way, what ever happened to five cent
gum?

There is a difficulty learning from mistakes, since the most vivid lessons are
often also fatal!

You can identify yourself as a true Football addict if you know that the United
States has a Secretary of Defense, and wonder why we have no Secretary of
Offense.

When you have sick leave coming and the weather is ideal, it is most difficult
to feel good when you feel bad.

Don't assume that someone has gone through a hair-raising experience, it's
likely just hair spray.

When you have been put out to pasture, the grass on the other side of the fence
always looks greener, no matter where they put the fence.

Two things most people can't stand are to lose 25 pounds and have no one notice
or comment, or to have a tropical suntan and have no one even so much as
mention it.

If some child has to be bribed to be good, that child will often take the
lesson and turn out to be good, for nothing.

Although you should not bite your fingernails, when you do, it avoids being
called on by friends to scratch their back.

You drop a penny, you can find it, it doesn't roll anywhere.  You drop a
quarter, it rolls for a full minute, and takes a microscope to find.

Misery loves company,  which is why they so often arrive together.

One of the mysteries of science is how a child can leave so very much dirt in
the washbasin and still have some left to put on the towel.

If the best things in life are free, than how come there is such a big markup
on everything else?

Circumstantial evidence is dangerous.  Just because you have a truss is no
indication that you are a purse snatcher.

The kids today can afford either the car or the car insurance, but not both.
In earlier years, young folks were faced with somewhat the same decision.
It was either the watch, or the watch chain, but not both.

Your reputation as a very decisive individual with great skill is enhanced by
having a snap decision accidently turn out to be correct.

Nostalgia is colored by what you remember, and as well, what you forget.

Rodeo participants make good politicians, since they come to office with vast
experience in throwing the bull.

You are getting old if you can remember when Ethyl gas cost more because lead
was added to the gas.  Now, leaded gas costs less than regular gas.  It is
enough to make you fume!

Growing pains are nothing, really.  Ask someone who is on a diet.  Shrinking
pains are far worse.

Simply by listening, you learn that there is a good deal of evidence that the
size of the brain is inversly proportional to the size of the mouth.

Exxon has an 800 Number you can call for information with regard to what the
company is doing, 1-800-WE SPILL

It seems easy to understand those who long for things as they were.  You used
to get a free sandwich with a dime beer.  Now, you get stale crackers with a
three buck cocktail with lots of ice.

Wonderful society, ours, which condemns sexism and then thinks of nothing but
sex.

Never bet on the nag that runs under the name "Glue Factory Reject."

What a change a few years makes.  A kid who won't allow water to go above
his wrists suddenly starts taking two showers each day, each of which lasts
over a half hour.

Since most computers and word processors now come equipped with an electronic
dictionary, there is little reason left to learn the alphabet by heart, save
for the phone book.

OK, you want to call the Vice President, Dial 1-800-DAN WHO?

The military never has been known for precision, and so they call someone a
private who has less privacy in their life than most incarcerated criminals
do in theirs.

It was in search of better living conditions that man left caves and built
houses.  Now, with payments for a house running up to $ 1200 a month, it may
well be that the banks drive dwellers back to the caves.

The third week of vacation is far more enjoyable, if your wife thinks you only
had a two week vacation.

Two things that usually show up around the same time, spider webs and company.

You really want to talk to Tammy Faye Bakker?  Dial 1-800-MAS CARA.

With doctor's fees being what they are, you would think they could at least get
something in the waiting room other than LIFE, COLLIERS and LOOK!

As time passes, the decision which faces most of us is whether to lose weight,
or gain it so that the wrinkles don't show so much.

One of the finest things in life is to be paid for doing work you would do for
free if you could afford the time.

The money you save after the kids have gone can be used well, to afford new
housing for the smaller family.

When you leave college, you face a severe adjustment, from senior status to
freshman in the job market.

A teenager is someone with the boldness, audacity and effrontery to think that
he can do the same things you did at his age, and get away with it!

Elvis Presley has an unlisted number. Here it is!  1-800-I'M DEAD.

If the death sentence were imposed on all parents who failed to bring up their
children properly, Europe could have a whole new experience coming to the
frontier, Baltimore, and later move West.

Which arrived first, talk shows or sexual abnormalities?

Your life's priorities are in good order if you would rather risk your life
skiing than shoveling snow.

When it comes to winning new friends, nothing can beat winning the lottery.

Wisdom is that particular quality which enables you to avoid any and all of
those situations which call for its judicious use.

The Internal Revenue Service has a new "800" number, 1-800-NO MERCY!

If you don't like these telephone numbers we have listed, complain!
Dial 1-800- ME SORRY.

Progress would be wonderful if only someone could find a way to shut if off
for awhile!

Never trust your first impulse, for all too often it is good, and will ruin
your reputation if you follow it.

The person who can smile when things go wrong has just discovered the person
on whom the blame is to be placed.

Then there is this character who is very religious, so much so, in fact, that
he wears stained glass bifocals.

In my car, I can drive 200 miles and the gas gauge stays on full.  Just 20 feet
after that 200 mile mark, and the gauge drops dead and falls to near empty. Why?

In modern music, when two people sing at the same time, it is not so much a duet
as a duel.

A banker is often a pawn broker with a manicure and a smile, in a suit.

A dyslectic athiest has set out to prove that there is no dog.

It had to happen, and it has. Ismelda Marcos is waiting for permission to go to
Isreal, where she will plant several shoe trees.

It is at least some sort of indication that you should go on a diet when it is
necessary for you to let the shower curtain out several notches!

As a child, I was born at a very early age.  I was younger than most of those
who were born before me.

Twenty million women arose when it was said "Well will no longer be dictated
to," and became stenographers.

Deep down, most everyone is fairly superficial.

A husband and wife should never go to bed mad when they still have the stamina
to stay up and fight.  Why deprive the neighbors of something far more
interesting than television?

Maturity enters in slowly, sometime after the age in which you sincerely feel
that you know everything.

I attribute my old age to having lived a long time.  Most people who do this
are older than those who do not.

One of the more impressive aspects of America is the manner in which the vast
majority of parents quite readily obey their children.

Boys will be boys, and if given any form of decent opportunity, these will be
quickly joined by any number of middle-aged men.

If you would want to know the value of money, go out and try to borrow some.

A successful man is one who can make enough money so that his wife can spend
all she wants.  A successful women is a woman who can find such a man.

Those people who go to psychiatrists ought to have their heads examined!

Long experience has taught me that in America, no one goes to the theater to
watch a movie unless they are in the final stages of bronchitis.

I can only tell you that I sincerely wish that I didn't know now what I didn't
know then.

You know, I've found out that you can observe a whole lot just by watching.

Are romance really Italian insects?

When you take your material from one writer, it is plagiarism, but when you
steal from many writers, as I do, it is research.

Asking me what I think about the Vice President is like asking a lamp post
what it thinks about dogs.

Some folks can stay longer in a day than others can in a week.

It has come to my attention that nothing I never said has caused me any harm.
When I am gone, you will be sorry you never heard me say what I don't usually.
But if you had, it would have been memorable, which now it isn't because you
didn't.  I have enjoyed these occasional flashes of silence so much, since they
enhance my conversation so delightfully.  It is a pleasure for those who do not
listen, so they don't have to hear what I do not say, which is one of the major
reasons why I don't say what I do not do.  I hope this clears up all the
confusion.

Then there is the man who found the donkey with the IQ of 141.  The poor donkey
has no friends, since no one likes a smart ass.

Conversation stoppers for a cocktail party:
Half the people in this room are connected to organized crime.
Me? I'm a concert accordionist.
You may have heard me on TV the other night on the Dr. Ruth show.
Oh, I play the electronic harmonica with the Philharmonic Orchastra.
And then I was told that I might have had AIDS.

University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV): A place poor students who can play real
good basketball go to learn how to speak bad grammer easily.

All my life, I have really wanted to be somebody, and now that it is almost too
late, I realize that I should have been far more specific.

How can I control my natural urges?  Picture Willard Scott naked!

In Oregon, the State Legislature has come up with a State Nut. This is unlikely
to happen in Missouri, since there are too many candidates.

People who live beyond their income should act their wage.

Heredity: Something every Father tends to believe, until his son starts acting
like an idiot.

A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a
boy forever.

Newer Titles of Employment:

Phone Solicitor: Telemarketing Agent
Embalmer:        Mortuary Science Graduate
Road Grader Man: Heavy Equipment Engineer
Laundry Lady:    Linen Coordinator
Janitor:         Building Maintainence Supervisor
Librarian:       Learning Resource Coordinating Supervisor
Crash Dummy:     Anthropomorphic Test Simulator Device
File Clerk:      Information Retrival Administrator
Death:           Failure of Hospital Patient to Fulfill Wellness Potential
Judge:           Justice Administration Adjudicator
Phone Solicitor: Telemarketing Administrator
Tax Collector:   Scum Bucket

Widows are divided into two classes: The bereaved and the relieved.

Her lies my wife, let her rest
She is peaceful and quiet and its best
For when she is not talking and such
I am able to enjoy the day very much
If she will stay here, let her be
If you disturb her, you'll see.

Confidence is that feeling of great assurance which you had just before you
went out and fell flat on your face, as you attempted going up the stairs.

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you, in detail.

A celebrity is someone who works hard all during life to attain recognition,
and once having attained it, and finding out what it really is like, works for
the remainder of his life trying to go about unrecognized.

A diagnosis is what happens when the doctor tries to determine the condition of
your pocketbook before he makes the determination of how sick to make you.

The sure way of getting nothing for something is to engage in gambling.

Through the judicious use of logic, you are allowed to go completely wrong
with the utmost confidence.

Opera occurs when someone gets seriously wounded, and rather than see a doctor
like most mortals, decides rather to sing about this painful experience, in
some manner with the hope that this will spread the pain around among the
listeners. Often, the effort is successful.

Ballet: Often the same thing as opera, when a person is inhibited and can not
sing, so they dance, or do something that passes for a dance, on the tips of
their toes.

Psychiartists are people who ask you a lot of expensive questions which your
wife, if given half a chance, will ask you without charge.

In life, as you go over the hill, you will find that you pick up speed.

If you need help to discover what the entrees on the menu mean, you are in the
wrong place, since it is highly unlikely you will be able to afford the meal!

The most obvious response when you return a call is to get the wrong number,
a busy signal or no answer to the phone.

Someone can always be found, lurking about out there in the bushes somewhere,
who can tell you what you intended to say far better than you can, so be very
careful what you say when outside, walking around among bushes.

Things are never as bad as they can turn out to be if given a little time.

Anyone who volunteers to meet you half way in a discussion or any form of
disagreement also believes that they are currently standing right on the
dividing line.

A cynic is a person searching for an honest person and in the doing of this
the cynic employs the use of a stolen lantern.

As long as the United States Government exists, there is no real accomplishment
being a humorist.

When the legislature is in session, this country is every bit as safe as when
the baby gets hold of a loaded gun.

Once you have surgery and get the bill for it, you will automatically have a
new and deeper appreciation of why it is that the doctor wears a mask when
doing it!

An elected official is one who got 51% of the vote cast by 42% of the 67% of
the people who are eligible to vote.  When you calculate the odds, you are
just damn lucky to get anyone to run for any office.

When you have achieved the ability to reach a new low in the composition of
corny lyrics often repeated with simpering sentimentality and based on a truly
stupid unworkable phiolosophy and you can support this with some of the most
god-awful totally uninspired melody, you may have a hit that will last all of
six weeks - and today - this is an artistic achievement!

Persistent prophecy is one of the more familiar ways of assuring the event.

The trouble with Ronald Reagan was that he lacked the power of meaningful
conversation, but not the power of speech.

Dear Friends:

I guess it was supposed to be some sort of honor to put me on the National
Committee to raise funds for the Dan Quayle War Memorial Garden to be located
here in Washington someplace.  The honor is dubious, at least to me.

We can not put this memorial garden near any memorial to George Washington,
since as many of you know, he is often credited with having told the truth.
It is said that he never told a lie.

We can not put this memorial garden near any memorial to Franklin D. Roosevelt,
since it is said he never quite got around to telling the truth.

Our memorial garden to Dan Quayle ought to be somewhere in between one of these
other monuments or memorials, since Dan has shown that he would not know the
difference regarding what the others were famous for.  This memorial garden
should be located on a plot formerly occupied by livestock, since Dan is also
known for spreading a lot of the same stuff that livestock ordinarily spread.

It would be most fitting if we could find a plot near a memorial or statue of
Christopher Columbus, since he did not know where he was going or how he would
get there, or what he would do when he got there, or how he would get home in
the event he wanted to go home, and when he did get home, he did not know where
he had been, and since he did all of this in a condition of serious debt to the
government, it just seems fitting.

(Copy of great historical unsigned letter by someone who is unknown!)

Confidence is that quite rock bottom solid feeling of goodness and self-worth,
which is yours until you go out and make a ridiculous fool of yourself in
public while the television cameras are running.

Possibly the greatest threat to those who want to believe that everything in
the Bible is true was advanced by an individual standing in wading boots in
cool water up to his hind end, in fact, who revealed that most of the early
witnesses to all that Jesus said and did were fishermen!

I've learned from watching ads on television that if you are an insecure cretin
who has smelly parts that leak offensive fluids or secret things that are just
short of obscene, being idle, unwanted and underprivileged, driven by a craze
for sex and seeking status in some neurotic manner more befitting a sub-normal
moron, with piles and lose dentures, lacking money, brains, muscles, figure
and self-confidence (not necessarily in that order), advertizers are after you.
They want your money.

The real trouble with telling a fairly decent story which will make people
laugh is that someone in the group of listeners will be reminded of another
story which will completely undo what has just been done.

Fatherhood is natures way of providing every teenager with a banker.

Rock journalism is written by people who can not write about people who can
not talk for people who can not read.  It all balances out!

Don't look forward to the day you are going to stop suffering and getting
frustrated, since when it comes, you are dead!

That all men should live as brothers is the dream of someone who has no
brothers.

You've got to believe in luck. How else can you explain the success of those
whom you don't like?

Youth is a period of missed opportunities without the glory of knowing what was
missed.

Never try to keep up with the Joneses, drag them down to your own level. It is
eversomuch cheaper.

The odds are five to six that the light at the end of the tunnel is mounted on
the front of a train.

While it may be true that success is relative, it is absolutely true that none
of my relatives are a success.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money
usually costs a lot less.

Home is the place where, when you have to go there because everything else is
closed, they have to take you in.

A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then, he is finished.

Love is an ideal thing.  Marriage is a real thing. The confusion of the ideal
with the real is a serious and tragic error.  It never goes unpunished.

A group of the unwilling, picked by the unfit to do the unnecessary for the
ungrateful.  Ah, what a committee that would be!

The President of Eastern Airlines is marketing an Airplane Package Kit, the
kind you ordinarily put together.  Only in this instance, the plane comes
assembled and you break it up and sell the parts.

The Annual White House Easter Egg Hunt was held on schedule this year, and
it was attended by Vice President Dan Quayle.  Got three eggs!

How do I think the President will handle the budget deficit?  I think he will
issue Quayle bonds - no interest, no maturity.

How is Dan Quayle like Millard Fillmore?  They are both Vice Presidents who
didn't live in this century.

What would you get if you crossed Dan Quayle with Richard Nixon?  You would get
a public official who does not know if he is a crook or not.

These three comments above came from Penthouse Magazine, I am told on reliable
authority.  What do you get from Penthouse?  Bad bird jokes, it appears.

Things You Simply Must Know Department: In 1987 approximately l00,000 people
had a total of about 25 tons of fat liposuctioned from their bodies.  This is
enough body to make 325 more people.  However, they would really be in bad
shape physically.

A piece of string goes into a bar, climbs up on a stool and orders a martini.
Bartender says "Get outta here, we don't serve no strings in this joint."
String leaves, rather disgusted.  Out in parking lot, string decides to make
a disguise for itself, and does.  Changes color, frizzes up the body and ties
a bow knot in the center.  Reenters bar, sits down and orders a martini. Again,
Bartender says, "hey, ain't you the string I just threw outta here?" "No," says
the string, "I'm a frayed knot."  (Sorry, apologies all around on this!)

Actor Gary Busey, seriously injured in a motorcycle accident, was not wearing a
helmet at the time.  He says he does not believe that people need to wear such
items, since he survived and he thus opposes laws requiring riders to wear any
helmet.  Says also he plans to go fishing for skyhooks in Laos when Europe is
open after the war and that gas prices will reflect the loss of carrots.  He
fully expects the return of Nordac to Lauter and will not drink water during
this time.  Claims full recovery from accident, which he does not clearly seem
to remember.

The three men who attempted to board an international flight from St. Louis to
London with hydrogen bombs in their possession have been cleared of all charges
and released.  Lawyers for the National Rifle Association said that all they
were planning to do was go hunting.

What do you get if you cross Dan Quayle with a pit bull?
You get a Vice President people will pay attention to!

People would do nothing if they waited until they could do it so well that no
one could find fault with what they have done.

There is but one inerrant inevitable formula for success on a computer. This
involves the combination of a computer with a human being, and it is bound to
be even more effective if that human being is self-conceived as a computer
programmer.  By a combination of these two elements in any manner possible,
complete disaster is proximate and immanent and will happen at the most
inopportune time in the most disastrous manner, most often to the hard disk
which is filled to near capacity and which has not had a back-up made in
several months.

One of the considerations in the formula for any pizza is that it be made so
that the sticky side, when it slips out of your hand, will be the side that
hits the expensive carpet first.

Word processors, Like hot cakes selling,
Correct our typing - and our spelling!
But that machine we're truly seeking
Erases errors, when we're speaking....

Sign Seen On Plumbers Truck: A flush is better than a full house.

Which is the biggest seat of crime today?
     1) Miami
     2) Washington D.C.
     3) The Khomeini family residence
     4) Any Chicago election
     5) The Oklahoma Football Team

Urban sprawl is the forest's prime evil!

Sign Seen on Amish Buggy in Illinois: "Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for jevelin catching!

A newly married man comes home to find his wife in tears.  He asks what caused
the tears and she tells him.  "The dog ate our dinner!  To which he replies:
"Don't worry, I'll buy you a new dog."

There are some really dumb folks around. There was this guy that caught a
terrible cold, sitting in his car, waiting for the ticket booth to open at the
Drive-In Theater. The feature, on the board "Opening in the Spring."

Food is dangerous. Practically everyone who eats it eventually dies.

It's not expensive to go to a fortune teller, they usually charge medium
prices.

An obstinate person does not hold opinions, the opinions hold the person!

A person who does much makes many mistakes, but never the greatest mistake of
all, doing nothing.

When a person does not have a reason for doing something, that person has one
very good reason for leaving something undone.

Vice President Dan Quayle is going to go to Camp David as soon as his mother
gets the name tapes sewed into his clothing. Says he looks forward to camp
experience.

To be aware of your ignorance is a giant step toward true knowledge.

I figure that the best way to figure what the IRS will figure is to get them to
figure what you are figuring that they will figure that you are not really
figuring what you want them to figure that you figure.  If you figure all of
this out sufficiently, you have got to figure that they can't figure you out in
the first place.

There is a proportion between the joy of accomplishment and the suspense of the
challenge.

Explain is the simplest way in which you can serve eggs.  This is no yoke.
Doesn't it just crack you up?  (Got these all out of my system at once!)

What do you call a dog that has no legs?
Don't bother yourself with the question. Whatever you call it, it won't come!

Another almost as equally awful dog remark:

What do you get if you cross a pit bull with Lassie?  We are not sure, but we
know that after it chews you up, it goes for help.

Barbara Bush, our current first lady, assures us she can wipe out illiteracy in
Washington, but it will take moving Dan Quayle to Virginia to get the job done.

Every year, I get the same tax form in the mail, with my name label on it. Can
someone tell me how I can cancel my subscription?

My tax refund came in, so now I know what I am going to do, down to Wag's to
buy me a state-of-the-art Hershey Bar!

What happened to you?  You look like either you were hit by a fast truck or
had a hot date with Roseanne!

If a faith healer has to have false teeth, wear glasses and use a hearing aid,
well, so much for Oral Roberts!

Many folks watch talk shows on televsion, and many of these same folks end up
watching a hocky game in which the teams are not wearing uniforms.

The NRA advises children not to stop on their way home from school, except to
reload.

Vice President Quayle is a leading candidate for an award, as best actor in a
still photograph.

May the Merrill Lynch Bull leave its portfolio on your rug!

If looks could kill, you would be a seriel murderer.

You are almost as ugly as a U.P.S. truck, but it has a nice bumper.

I can't help admiring you, at least until you put the gun down.

Tough school?  In mine, on teacher's appreciation day, we untied them and let
them run freely, to the principal's office.

For the next Wrestlemania, they are trying to sign a new opponent for Hulk
Hogan, but Roseanne is holding out for more money!

What is all white, has fifty legs, 34 teeth and an IQ of 23?
A Ku Klux Klan Chapter

Former Attorney General Edwin Meese served as a character witness for Oliver
North during his trial.  Jay Leno made the remark that having such a witness
is much like asking Steve Garvey (a mass killer) to give your wife a ride home.

Caution: Do not wash your parakeet in the automatic dishwasher, since it is now
known that the feathers tend to clog the drain.

I Think I May Have Eaten There Myself Department:  A man left a restaurant with
a sandwich for which he had not paid, at high noon.  He was quickly apprehended
by the police and had the evidence in hand at the time.  Taken before the local
magistrate, the man admitted his guilt.  The magistrate, reflecting on the fact
that on one occasion he himself had eaten there at the same restaurant from
which the sandwich was stolen, ordered the man to undergo a thorough
psychiatric examination and waived all criminal charges.  Some sandwich!

If you are average, you are the worst of the best and the best of the worst.

In Response to the Heavy Mail Department:
I did not say that Dan Quayle was so dumb he flunked his blood test. I know for
a fact that his grade was D+, so I did not say that.  Please do not accuse me
of saying things I did not say.

The above material was private and confidential, so you should not read it!
Thank you for your cooperation.

Happinness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family.....in another
city.

Kid goes into barber shop and orders his very long hair cut to the roots.
Older bystander laughingly asks him how much weight he has lost in doing this.
Kid says he estimates about 135 pounds!
"135 pounds!" says the bystander with a surprised look on his face.
"Yep, that's about what my Mom weighs, and she is off my back about this hair,"
says the kid!

There Are a Lot of Things Coming From Foreign Lands Department: Packing Slip --
About the Depacking Check
   1) Depend on installation shcedule, depacking shall be done from necessary
      parts.
   2) After the depacking is depacked it shall be checked according to the
      contents list.
   3) Have to check damage and rusting situation
   4) After depacking have to check if there are more small parts, if they
      remain dropped or broken. Then crates shall be thrown.
   5) Packing of electricity shall be kept in the factory as soon as possible.
      Do not deconnect if it is and if it is not don't.
   6) Please represent factory if lost.  If more than enough, simply cast away.
   7) Report any damage somewhere immediate if collect to be given.
   8) Never put like hair tonic in produce or other liquid when current in.

The product above is a toaster.  Obviously the manufacturer had a great deal of
information to offer, but it got lost in translation.  After I unpacked it, I
went out to breakfast!  I can tell you this, I do not plan to comb the bread
and put hair tonic on it before putting it in the toaster. Presently, I am
trying to decide whether to have a party when we throw them crates!  The slip
does not reveal the country of origin - no wonder....

A man had a long argument with his wife recently.  She wanted to purchase a
brand new living room couch.  I told her, the man said, that there was nothing
wrong with the old couch.  We argued all evening, said the man, but I finally
got the word.  I said go ahead and buy the damned thing...

There is nothing so sure to make you forgot all of your other troubles as the
wearing of tight shoes.

The common cold is sometimes positive and sometimes negative. The eyes have it,
and then again, the nose has it.

I just wish that Dan Quayle would stop that endless smiling all the time. How
are we going to send him overseas to all those funerals?

Two teachers were out for a coke after Friday afternoon classes dismissed. Says
one to the other, "If there is anything to this reincarnation business, I'd
love to come back as a childhood disease."

I've tried to drown my sorrows, but those suckers learned how to swim!

Why aren't the members of the NRA required to do weekend National Guard Duty?
That is a well regulated militia.

Senator Paul Simon is leading a campaign to ban violence from television.
This may mean an end to the Morton Downy program!

Progress is marvelous.  In former days, you could dial a wrong number locally.
Now, thanks to progress, you can dial a wrong number all over the world.

Want to speak with Fawn Hall or Ollie North? They have an 800 number!
Simply dial 1-800-WE SHRED

Many of you saw the movie "The Bridge Over The River Kwai."  There is no
question the Japanese have done well. They now own the bridge, the river, the
movie and Alex Guinnis.

Want to call Geraldo Rivera. He has an 800 number! Simply dial 1-800-TRASH-TV

Crime is slowing in the Washington D.C. area. They are running out of victims.

Behind every successful man you can bet there is one surprised mother-in-law.

Just Awful Things to Say to Those You Don't Like:
             You insignificant ball of contaminated swamp mud.
             You bucketful of elephant tooth plaque
             You miserable substitute for real buzzard barf.

I bought Jane Fonda's exercise book. I use it as a snack tray.

I tried one of those new diet books, but when chapter three said I should make
a trip to Three Mile Island for a meltdown, I ceased the whole idea.

There is really no use in doing housework.  You do it and then six months later
you have to go back and do it all over again.

"Boy George," just what England needs, another Queen who can't dress!

It is difficult to feel sorry for yourself after you watch a soap opera.

There is no greater mistake to be made than to be consistently correct.

If you can endure criticism without being resentful, heaven is assured.

There is nothing quite so ugly and mean as reason, when it is in opposition
to what we want to do.

Winning isn't everything, but there are hordes of people to whom winning
everything seems to be.

Pro basketball players are so tall that some few of them don't have to stand
on their tiptoes to see over their wallets.

It is most difficult to acquire wisdom without first having survived a whole
mine field filled with folly.

Ridicule is the first and last argument of a fool.

Praise is like gold - its value is derived from its scarcity.

Self-doubt about your honesty can be had by winning two games of solitaire in
a row.

If you really want to experience frustration, try telling some pessimist how
nice they look and getting some enthusiam going.

THE TRUTH WILL MAKE YOU FREE:
--but first, it will make you anxious.
--however, if it comes in the form of a utility bill, likely the first thing
  to be freed up will be your bank book.
--however, if it comes as an estimate, you will be free to say "no thanks"
  before you pass out.
--you will be free to pay for it after you get it, because there is nothing
  all that free these days.
--but it will come in several costly lessons.
--assuredly, but the container in which it comes is tremendously expensive.
--so will prune juice, but have you noticed the price of the stuff lately?
--never mind the truth, it is the agent that brings it that must be paid.
--but it is the tax that is imposed for imparting it to you that is expensive.
--and so will All Bran, but the price for both is rising.

It is now almost as expensive to fill the lawnmower with gas as it once was to
fill the car.

It is a real waste of time taking kids to a zoo that is without a vacancy.

The guy who brags that he walked three miles to school probably has a
grandchild that has to park that far away today.

Crime does not pay, which places it in approximately the same wage catagory as
virtue.

Now you can get a weather forecast based upon radar which is fairly accurate
for the next day or two, however, for really long range forecasting, you must
have rheumatism.

All you need to do is turn on the television to find out that the Gross
National Product is just as gross as ever.

Dan Quayle may not have been wanted by his parents, who kept asking him, after
he was born, why he was not more like Gertrude.  Gertrude died at birth.

Toxic substances are a danger to the environment, and frequently a topic of
discussion in smoke filled bars and such.

You know you are getting old when you enter a limozine and all the cars behind
you turn on their lights.

If being quoted makes you feel important, it is about time that you go out and
purchase a parrot.

One of the first things you learn when the kids start to use the car is how far
you can drive when the gas guage stands on empty.

I won't say Dan Quayle is dumb, but when the light changed to "WALK," he
abandoned his car and got out and started walking.

The day Morton Downey was born his parents faced a serious decision...a crib or
a cage.

Gray hair is often a sign that the beautician is on vacation.

Lots of beauty parlors never really live up to their name.

You know you are getting older when the only thing you really want for your
birthday is not to be reminded of it.

In his college days, Dan Quayle was not all that smart.  Once, he stayed up
all night, simply studying for a blood test.

Most people find bowling a fine sport, it seems to be right down their alley.

It's like this in most marriages, the bride appears simply stunning and the
broom, simply stunned.

A file is the response of a computer when it is asked how you can lose just
about everything, systematically.

NO customer can be worse than no customer.

Nothing is so good for improvement in driving as having a police car follow
you as you drive about the town.

Chickens...the only animals you can eat before they are born....and after they
are dead. The first is an encore performance, the second the final act.

Morton Downey...ever since he was eight years old, his parents pleaded with him
to run away from home.

You know that your son is growing up when he stops asking you where he came
from and refuses to tell you where he is going.

Should women have children after thirty?  No, 30 children is enough for any
family.

The male chauvinist who was upset at women pumping gas is apt to be just
downright in a frenzy at women pumping iron.

Some folks show a lot of style and some styles show a lot of folk. Lately, some
styles have started late and ended early, with nothing to hide their short
comings.

Lots of people will not graduate this year from college, but that's alright,
since none of them went to school this year.

When you pass up that third helping of Apple Pie, it is a sign that you are
beginning to take your diet seriously!

According to most parents, what their children are taking in college is...all
they've got!

One thing to be said for Columbus, he didn't miss the boat, but about his
discovery of America, what is so great about that?  The place is quite
literally too big to miss.  Some say that Columbus found America, but this is
incorrect, inasmuch as at the time of discovery, America was not listed as
lost.

Morton Downey, a man with an overwhelming personality.  Once you meet him, you
never want to do it again.

No women can live long enough to try all the recipes she clips out of
newspapers. And even if she did, she wouldn't admit it.

If it is alright with you, I think I will make lunch for us in my tee shirt.
Well, it is alright by me, but it seems it would be a whole lot less messy if
you were to make lunch on the counter.

How come black cows eat green grass and give white milk on a dark night
following a blue day?

Looking for a little excitement?  Well, you can get a really big charge out of
using your credit card just a time or two too often.

An old stud took his young filly to a barn dance and she gave him the old stall
after he made a pitch for the loft.

Life is wonderful, but of course a few people do die. I've noticed how
thoughtful they are - they manage to die in alphabetical order.

Going to the dentist can be more a matter of attitude than anything else.
It can be a drilling time, or it can bore you to death.  It all depends, I
guess, on whether or not the dentist gets on your nerves.

All I hear is diet, diet and more diet.  If I wanted to lose weight I'd go to a
regular paint store, since most of these places sell thinner.

My refrigerator is an international area.  There are French and Russians
dressing in there all the time.

The well bred man with couth always steps on his cigarette, in order to avoid
having it burn a hole in the carpet.

One of the more serious dangers after the last kid has left home for college is
getting scalded in the shower.

She: Why do you want me to hold your earlobes when we kiss?
He: I once lost my wallet kissing, and it's not going to happen again.

The main difference between a child and parent is that when a child feels like
he or she should run away from home, the child says this out loud.

April 1st marks the end of winter hibernation and the beginning of summer
lethargy.

You will never really know why the English drink so much tea until you try
their coffee. Then, you will know!

When your son brings the car home with a full tank of gas, you must wonder
about what he was doing when he was parked so long.

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Not for long sir, note the spider on the rim of the bowl.

Do you know the difference between jogging and sex?
No!
Then you'd better keep jogging.

One of the causes of divorce today is the oft asked question: "What is for
lunch today?" The reason is that this question is often followed by the
response, "I don't know, the label came off the can."

What happens if a women and two men are marooned on a desert island?
   If they are Swedish, the men will marry and ignore the woman.
   If they are Danish, everyone will find a way to be happy without any
   announcement of anything.
   If they are Spanish, one of the men will kill the other.
   If they are Greek, both of the men will kill the other.
   If they are Italian, the women will kill one of the men.
   If they are British, nothing will happen since there is no one to introduce
   the men to one another.
   If they are Swiss, nothing will happen, but it will be slow.
   If they are French, there really won't be any problem.
   If they are Polish, one of the men will become a priest.
   If they are Irish, the woman will become a nun.
   If they are German, the island will be neatly kept, before all else.

One way to make a small fortune in the United States is by giving your
investment counselor a large fortune to work with.

There is one big problem with retirement.  No longer are you able to do
anything on company time.

One thing about growing old, you don't need to travel to view ancient ruins.
An ordinary mirror will do it for you.

People keep telling me that I do not have a sense of humor, and I don't think
that is funny at all, not one little bit.

A very drunk man is trying his key on a hole in the lamp post.
A police officer comes by, notices that the man is terribly drunk and suggests
that there is no one home in the lamp post.  The drunk replies that of course
someone is home, since there is a light upstairs.

Summer is that time when you discover what is new in bathing suits, and also,
what is new out of these.

Two rather dumb teams were playing one another in football.  The visiting team
heard the ref's whistle and thought it was the sign that the game had ended,
whereupon the team left the field.  The home team, no brain trust, was dazed,
but within a half hour, had put things together and scored its first touchdown.

Among the many handicaps of old age which must be lived with is wisdom.

Everyone feels so proud when the get a new lawn started, and then feels bad
when they can't get the darned thing to stop.

Guest: There is a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Surely not, we save those for the hamburgers!"

With such great numbers of people making love, you just have to wonder why it
is always in such short supply.

New recruits to the Army have it tough, going from a water bed to an Army Cot.

Having an honest face is truly a great asset, particularly if you plan to make
a lifetime occupation out of crime.

If the kids seem to be doing a far better than anticipated business at their
newly opened lemonade stand, it is reasonable to check to see if your vodka is
missing.

Many are those who recover from the most serious illnesses when the sick day
was planned in advance and rain comes unannounced.

Just about the only thing more numerous than zucchini are the number of recipes
for disguising the stuff as something else.  Clearly, it is something else.

One of the things that helps us pass the sorrows of having an empty nest is the
joy of having an empty bathroom.

Those who have false teeth, when your plates come out tonight, don't use just
water in an ordinary old glass, use some class, use Bud Light, and put some
sparkle in your smile for tomorrow!

Old Motormen's Glove: A Smooth Blend of the Finest Whiskeys of the World -
Smooth going down, and smooth coming up.  Try a quart, you'll be glad you did,
on the way down, and sorry you did, on the way up.
But, it's smooth, either way!

Incongruous - Where most of our laws are concocted.

Propaganda - A socially correct goose!

About the only person I know who was able to get through a weeks work and have
it done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not in good enough shape at the present
time to get in shape for the future right now.

I finally got it altogether, and found out that rental space for it was far
more expensive than anticipated.

If at first you don't find a way to do what no one else has done, then invite
your friend to try it.

Some folks find it necessary to use psychics to contact the spirit world.
Experience tells me that your ordinary bartender can do just as well, at half
the cost, and twice as quickly.

Vegetables have an unusual taste during the summer months, its uncanny if you
ask me.

The teacher told the young student to put on a new pair of underwear pants each
day, and the kid did.  At the end of two weeks, he could no longer get his
ordinary pants on!

Acoustic - Some sort of instrument used in the playing of a game called pool.

Murphy's Rules of Combat:

1. If your partner is a man and wants an electrical extension to your foxhole
   for his hair dryer, you are not safe.
2. If the gun the government has issued to you says on the box "Requires Some
   Assembly," you have already lost the war.
3. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
4. If the current attack is going really well, it is very likely an ambush.
5. If the current attack is going down the drain, it is very likely an
   accidental ambush.
6. If the enemy is within range, so are you.
7. In the event of atomic attack, bend over very deeply and osculate your
   posterior very gently, cause you are not likely ever to see it again.
8. Tracers work well, but the problem with them is, they work both ways.
9. If both sides to the conflict are convinced they are about to lose, they are
   both very likely correct in their estimation.
10.To the victor goes the spoils, and this is about all the victor gets for the
   effort put into the battle, which is precious little.

Forfeit - What animals usually use to stand on, when they stand on more than
two feet.

Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas is so rich and lavish that if Caesar were alive
today, he would not be able to afford to stay in his digs.

"Do Not Steal," said the bumpersticker, "Our Government Does Not Appreciate
Competition."

Ok, Ok, just where is it you were on the 7th of June, 1989, at 1:23:45 PM?
You can not remember where you were at l:23:45,  on 6/7/89?  Shame on you.

Now, smarty, where will you be on the 8th of July in 1990, at 34 minutes past
noon?  You do not know where you will be at 12:34:56 PM, on 7/8/90?
Shame on you, again!

How come it happens that junk food always seem to taste better than healthful
food?

If you are going to throw your weight around, you ought first to join an
aerobics class, so you get something from your effort.

If you are really brave, trying writing a check to the IRS when you don't have
money in your account at the bank.

Despite the many repetitions, there seems to be very little basis for the rumor
that the Moral Majority was at the heart of the international heroin market.
However, there is a bit more ground for the suggestion that the founder, Jerry
Falwell, is "on something."

Sleep in the chair - nothing to lose
But a nap at the wheel - is a permanent snooze.

There are Several Ways to Beat the Heat of Summer:

1.  Think Cool. Act Cool. Live in a Cave!
2.  Don't listen to any weather programs or read forecasts in the paper.
3.  Get a job at the local ice plant, but not in the office, cause things can
    heat up there.
4.  Phone someone in the far North of Canada.
5.  Put your feet in plastic bags filled with ice cubes.
6.  Think of how they freeze dry your coffee.
7.  Sit on a snow cone.
8.  Stick a garden hose in your pants, and remember to turn on the water, since
    this will help. (In former times this suggestion applied only to men, but
    today it is unisex!)
9.  Hum to yourself, something with regard to snow or frosty or Christmas.
10. Drink three to five rum coolers, undiluted.  You won't even know it is
    warm. (By the way, what does it mean to be "unisex?")

You are not a hard driving person if you suddenly stop looking for work after
you have found a job.

Why is it that broccoli has few calories and very little cholesterol, whereas
ice cream is loaded with all this stuff?

Kids won't wait for anything, and want everything now, but they are willing to
stand all night on a cold winter night for tickets to a rock concert.

The problem with all the excitement this world furnishes me on a daily basis
is that most of it is now getting to be just a little boring.


SPORTING REMARKS: Comments on the Game, During the Game, On Radio and TV!

Norvil Faubaus: He is one of the greater unknown champions of this sport,
simply because so little is known about him.  He was last year's man of the
moment, treading where no one fears to go, doing those things already done by
practically everyone else.

When Norvil gets out there on the playing field, if you watch him carefully,
you get a fairly good idea of what he is doing and how the game is going, and
of course, if you don't, then you certainly won't.

As the crowd stands in their seats, Norvil is ahead at the moment, since he
seems to be out front of the others in the game, which is why he is where he
is, and it was the same last year.  This is going so well it could be a repeat
of next year.

There are no opportune times for a penalty and this certainly is not one of
those times, even if you consider that some other time is perhaps less
opportune, you still don't know.  Nevertheless, Norvil's strength is precisely
in this, his strength.  He often hands out far more than he gives in one of
these events.

In the sense that his team lost, you could say that Norvil's team was beaten,
but they held right on to the lead up until the very moment they lost it.
They just couldn't do too much, and then when they did, it was too much, which
is why the thing finally did what it did and the team lost.

Norvil's team was never really too far out front, but then it was not really
all that far behind, either, come to think of it, while we watched it.
If history is going to repeat itself, it is likely that we are going to see
this very same thing again.

Victory was there for the asking, and neither Norvil nor his team could give
the proper answer.

It appears that our action replay displayed the play worse than it was the
first time around, and it appears that it was probably worse than that, but
not bad for the team overall, when you think of what they could do.
Let's make a hard but honest prediction; it could go either way here.

It is just like motor racing, that ever present danger is always there, and
when it should go away, of course we all know, it doesn't.  This often causes
the driver to shed buckets of adrenalin.  it is well to recall that when half
the race is gone, there is still have the race to go through, and that is why
it isn't over till it is. The referee must now put his foot down with a very
firm hand, if he is to stop this.  You know I am sure that Norvil's brother
failed.  Let's see Norvil do it and maintain the family tradition in spite of
what his brother did.

Yes, it's been a wet month just about everywhere, but surprisingly, not
everywhere in general, just most of it. This current age is the one in which
we are living, and the reason these things happen the way they do most of the
time, but not always.
 For many of the fans, homelessness probably comes down to meaning that these
folks simply do not have homes to which they can go when they are not someplace
else.

I would think that now that Norvil is the champion after his eight undefeated
victories it is possible that he could retire undefeated.  Of course, this
could be the goose that killed the golden egg. If Norvil were to die earlier
than he does, it is possible that he could become a legend in his own lifetime
earlier than he will the way things look now from this vantage point.

Since Norvil has come out bristling on all cylinders, there is no way he can't
not go into the final session behind the person who is in front of him unless
he skips, which Norvil has been known to do, in which case it would be
different than it now appears.  It is times like these that Norvil shows his
ability to keep his head on his chin, which is probably why he is what he is,
where he is, as he is at this moment, presently.

You've got to hand it to Norvil.  Once, when he saw it was possible, he grasped
his chance and made it a distinct possibility and then he realized it.  Once
having done that, of course, the problems started, since he didn't quite
understand the nature of this particular possibility, and this is probably why
he did not fulfill our expectations and use it properly.

It's hard to figure out the landlord of an apartment complex who will
discourage children from being tenants, yet allow rock band players.

You know your vacation is a success if, when you come home, you discover that
the grass has not grown sufficiently to require an immediate cutting.

People regularly kill one another, and then write passionate letters to the
editor about killing off an endangered species.

Maturity is said to have arrived when one is able to distinguish without great
difficulty, the difference between wisdom and a simple case of cold feet.

What happens when you cross a chicken with a banjo?  You get a chicken that
plucks itself.

How does one go about making an ordinary lemon drop?  The best technique seems
to be to shake the tree.

Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my dessert!  I know, it's the rotten fruit
that attracts them.  You should freshen up before you come in here.

Who is it that usually rings twice at your home and then, if you don't respond,
knocks down the door?  Everyone knows this.  It's the new Avon Gorilla.

Happiness is seeing your grouchy old neighbor's picture on a milk carton.

Often enough, the impossible and the untried are one and the same.

Being a blood donor helps, believe me.  For example, Duelling in Paraguay is
quite legal, provided that both parties are registered blood donors.  As the ad
for American Express says, membership has its privileges.  One of them is
participating in duels in Paraguay.

There are really very few things quite as embarrassing as laughing at the joke
to boss told, only to find out that he wasn't telling a joke!

When one is seeking a classical vacation which is very enjoyable, it is hard to
find an equal for sending all the kids to camp for a couple of weeks.

In Kentucky, the law plainly states that every citizen must take a bath at
least one time each year, need it or not.  People from Kentucky always were a
little uppity.

If you don't want to work, you must work harder to get ahead a little so that
you don't have to work to stay afloat, and when you are not working, it is work
to avoid work, because it is so often presented to you as something to be done.
 It is far easier to work than not to work.

When someone tells you they got rich through hard work - ask them whose!

All work and no play makes Jack a very dull boy, and of course, it also makes
Jill a very wealthy widow.

I may be a self-made man, but then, when I get to thinking about it, if I had
it to do over again, I think I would call in someone else.

Character is what God and the angels know of us.  Reputation is what others
know of us.

Before technology, things didn't work, but people sure did.  Now, with progress
and additional technology, nothing works, at least not for long.

A recent graduate of the seminary was called to a local church to give a
sermon, sort of a sample of what he might do, if the church invited him to
become their pastor.  He went out to the church, a small church with a very
modest congregation, in the middle of practically nowhere.  Sure enough, comes
time for him to give his sermon and he starts out giving it, when a man comes
in late, coughs loudly, and accompanied by his dog, comes to the front pew.
This commotion upsets the new minister greatly and he loses his line of
thought, but gets back on it and starts out again.  The dog makes some noises,
upsets the minster, who loses his line of thought.  This goes on several times,
and each time, the dog makes more noise.  Finally, since no one else will do
it, the minister simply comes down, picks up the dog, takes it to the back of
the church, throws it out and closes the door.   At the end of church, one of
the deacons advises the new minster that he has jsut thrown out a dog belonging
to the wealthiest contributor to the church, and that he, the minister, had
beeter go out immediately and apologize. The minister goes out in front of
church, finds the man who owns the dog and makes a very long detailed apology
to the man.  The man smiles. "I'm glad you put him out of the church, young
man," smiles the dog's owner," They's some of what you said I would't want even
my dog to hear."

Put all your eggs in one basket, if you must, but be sure to watch that basket!

Never refuse a good offer - they don't come around that often!

Ok, folks, you want the fifty buck question...here it comes...ready or not!
Lake Webster is located in Massachusetts.  What is the INDIAN name for this
particular lake, and what is the meaning of the Indian name?  You trivia buffs
are going down in flames on this one, since most of you probably can't even
spell, let alone pronouce the name.  It is
Chargogatmanchaugagochaubunagaugamag.  It is translated "You fish your side and
I'll fish my side and nobody will fish in the middle."  From this, it seems
that the Indians had the same problems with fishermen that we have today - the
whole lot of them have not improved any...

Running a business is really no big trouble at all, provided it is not yours.

It is also very important for you to know that, during the course of your
lifetime, you will generate some 8,000 gallons of siliva, at the rate of some 3
pints a day.  Remember not to druel!

If your heart were filling gas tanks on a car, you could fill about 400 cars a
day, if they were almost out of gas.

What this country really needs badly is a handful of politicians that are
filled with cold or at least cool air.

Each day, enough people to fill St. Louis, Missouri, leave their homes to go to
a land other than the one in which they are currently living.  This is an
excellent opportunity for those who handle baggage to lose a lot more than they
are doing.

In the future, it is said that the real valuable antiques will be those which
are made almost entirely of genuine plastic.

Talk about giving...each day, some 7,000 tons of wool are produced by the sheep
of this world, and someone comes around and deprives them of it.  I think the
name is Pendleton, but I am not sure.

Among the things that is next to impossible, when it comes to putting off till
tomorrow those things we don't intend doing today is procrastination.

A new author attempted to get an older author to read his works simply by
sending them to the older man. The older author read what was sent and replied
that the work was both interesting and original, but unfortunately, that which
was original was not interesting and that which was interesting was not
original.

How come they call it "prime time," when we really do not have anything better
to do than watch television?  What this society needs is a few less channels
and not quite so many flavors of ice cream, or for that matter, fewer flavors
of bubble gum and pop corn.  Life is simply getting too confusing.

If the kids today did the same things I did when I was a kid at Halloween, it
would be reported in the paper as the act of a local terrorist.

When starting to calculate why your children went wrong, one of the things that
always seems to be neglected in such a listing is the important factor called
heredity.

Far too often today, it appears, the Great American Dream is interrupted by the
Japanese alarm clock.

Fish are said to have good eyesight, but many breeds are hard of herring.  (
Apologies on this one, all around, of course!)

Nowdays, kids express their individuality by dressing in a most bizarre manner,
with unusual hair styles, all of which conform rigorously to the code for these
things which the kids understand, even if you don't.

Business is supposed to be service for a profit, at a risk. Often it simply
comes down to simple swindling.

A Presbyterian and Methodist Preacher got into a hot discussion about the
Presbyterian teaching on what is called predestination.  Like all such
discussions, there was far more heat shead in the course of the discussion than
there was light.  The Methodist finally agreed that there just might be
something to the teaching of the Presbyterians on predestination, and also he
allowed that most Presbyterians were likely going to hell anyway. The
Presbyterian was rather out of patience with all of this and admitted that he
would much rather be a Presbyertian and know he was going to hell than a
Methodist and know know where the hell he was going.

By the term "the good old days," most people are referring to those times in
which static electricity was about the only thing that would stand your hair on
end.

With the invention of spray paint, graffiti has increased in quantity, but the
new invention did not do all that much for the quality of the whole thing.

The current quest for perfection has allowed far too many of us to spend far
too much time, standing in front of a mirror, looking at ourselves.  What a
quest!

If you learn something by watching the mistakes of others, it just seems fair
to make some effort to return the favor.

The more homes they build without basements or attics, the more frequent are
the garage sales going to be.

Remember when people who looked like they stuck their finger in a light socket
often agreed with you when you commented that their barbar was not all that
great.  Today, the hair stylist makes you pay EXTRA for that very same look!

The trouble with trying to keep up with the Joneses is that they are putting
their utmost effort into keeping up with you.

You can say what you want about the inconvenience of children and the other
things, but when it comes right down to it, it is a sorry home that has no
child to operate the VCR properly and teach the adults how to do it every other
week.

Shifty eyes and the inability to look at someone with whom you are speaking may
be an indicator of some sort of character flaw perhaps, but more often it is
nature's way of telling you that you are in real need of bifocals.

It is indeed a great idea to work your way through college with a job, and it
is even better if the job is still there when you graduate.

Somewhere out there someone has put out a reward for anyone actually having
seen a calorie.

Basically, there are three ways to lose money, racing being the quickest of the
three, women being the pleasantest, and farming being the most certain way of
the three.

If the Democrats were looking for a real expert in domestic affairs, they could
not find anyone more qualified than Gary Hart.

The most successful direction in which you can throw dice is away.

One of the moring boring aspects of the science of mathematics is that there is
only one correct answer.

In putting off what one ought to do, one runs the risk of not being able to do
it, and this is a risk I am more than willing to take.

Well, we are now down to the level of conversation where people are complaining
about the weather again, which was so bad just a few weeks ago that these same
folks pledged they would never complain about it if it got better.  It got
better and they are still out there complaining.

One of the inadequate preparations being young allows is that you are not
prepared for the time when you will be old.

Three months of summer are a very small reward for six months of winter.

Remember way back when it was only the kids that had to go out back behind the
barn to get a smoke?

It surely doesn't say too much for society if gambling is the only way to raise
money for a good cause.

Nine professional gamblers can not feed a single canary.

Money is what you could so easily do without if others weren't so crazy to get
it.


                                 From the
                            JOKIN' AROUND DISK
                                    by
                            LEEJAN ENTERPRISES
                        P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley.
                          South Australia. 5159.